


Take a Breath and Dive in Deep

by clindzy



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Feels, Bensler, Emotional Hurt, Episode Tag, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 22:48:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12309489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clindzy/pseuds/clindzy
Summary: Elliot knew from the moment that Olivia sauntered intoSVU’s squad at the 16th with her head held high and her jaw set that she was going to complicate his life. Forced out of denial by this case, he meets opposition at every turn from his emotionally distant partner.





	Take a Breath and Dive in Deep

**Author's Note:**

> **3x02 Wrath**
> 
>  
> 
> Muse got a hold of this and refused to let go until I complied.  
> I'm still very early in the series but Wrath is one of those episodes that sticks with you long after you've binged the show to completion. I felt like Elliot was having a crisis of conscience and emotions throughout the episode.  
> I did take some liberties with a few things. Hopefully, no one wants to throw anything at me after reading this...it's not exactly a happy ending or for Kathy fans.  
> Comments & kudos are what keep me going.  
> Enjoy xx.

 

 

Elliot knew from the moment that Olivia sauntered, yes,  _ sauntered _ , into the SVU squad at the 16th with her head held high and her jaw set that she was going to complicate his life.

 

It started off gradually and innocently enough under the guise of Elliot looking out for his rookie partner. Soon, he found himself aching for in the middle of the night. His Catholic guilt kicked in, reminding him that his wife was sleeping mere inches from him and their kids were sleeping in their rooms just down the hall. But even that wasn’t enough, (nowhere near enough, his brain unhelpfully supplied), to stop the fantasies he has of Olivia Benson.

 

Any time Olivia looked at him with those fierce dark eyes Elliot felt like he was intoxicated. The high was only driven higher by that deep throaty laugh she unconsciously let out when she found something truly funny. The worst part about it: Olivia had absolutely no clue how goddamned sexy and brilliant she was. 

 

Elliot knew he was truly destined for hell when Kathy joked one day that Olivia knew him better than she did. It happened one night about two years after Olivia had joined the squad. The case was extremely difficult and found them sleeping in the crib one too many nights. At one point, Elliot could have swore in his fatigue-induced delirium that Olivia had squeezed herself into the bed he had crashed on. When he awoke the next morning, she was already out in the squadroom gulping back what looked to be her third cup of acidic and bitter coffee. He had had to bite back a grimace when Kathy had made the offhanded comment, 

 

Elliot had to admit to himself that Kathy was right. Olivia  _ did _ know him better than his own wife. Olivia sees right down to his soul, has since her very first day. She shares his pain, his rage and disappointment on the cases that ultimately end up in the cold case archive. He knows this closeness borders suspiciously close to intimacy, but Elliot rationalizes that it keeps their partnership devoid of secrets. It’s allowed him to keep the delusion this far, he’s not about to face reality now. 

 

So, yeah. Olivia does know him better than Kathy; she experiences what Elliot goes through every day. That common link allowed for a strong foundation to take hold, which only deepened and intensified as the years pass. After that case, Elliot vowed to try harder to resist Olivia, even going so far as going to confession and admitting his sins to his priest. Unfortunately, it was an exercise in futility. No amount of Hail Marys or Our Fathers or guilt cloaking his conscience could prevent him from desiring the one and only Olivia Benson. 

* * *

 

 

Things finally boiled over when Elliot was called by the FBI to come out to a body farm to look at several dead bodies, which irritated him immensely. Leave it to the feds to dump a case like this in his lap. As if he didn’t have enough on his plate right now. 

As the SAC was speaking, Elliot got a knot in his stomach and a sour taste in his stomach that usually precluded any dangerous situation that even remotely involved Olivia. He may have driven like a bat out of hell on the way to the scene. Truth be told, he doesn’t remember. What he does remember was when he saw the three DBs greeting him face up.

 

SAC Franklin quickly filled him on how the bodies were discovered and told him why he called the detective, instead of handling it himself. Elliot felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight up when he saw the detective involved in all three cases: Det. Olivia Benson. 

 

The worry he felt this time went well beyond the concern of a friend or a partner. To distract himself from this revelation, Elliot began pacing in short, uneven strides. Elliot felt guilt seep into his bones, vowing once again to resist the enigma that is Olivia Benson. 

 

Who was he kidding? He was only fooling himself by making this farce of a promise. Elliot could no more resist Olivia than a fox could resist chasing a rabbit. He stomped back to the car, slamming the door shut for good measure. To suit his black mood, Elliot flicked on the radio, a rare occurrence, and turned it up as loud as it would go to classic rock. How fitting it should be a Stones song, he thought to himself. 

 

_________________________________________

 

As soon as he stepped foot in the squad, Olivia was confronting him in her typical (adorable) fiery fashion, damn near yelling that these were cases and she should have been called.. Elliot tried to remain calm, telling her that he was the SVU liaison to the FBI and that there was no time to call her. Begrudgingly, she allowed him to hang his coat up and begin tackling the mess of folders on his desk related to the case. 

 

Sighing heavily, Elliot forced himself to focus on the files scattered amongst half full paper cups of coffee and too many sandwich wrappers taking up residence on what used to be a desk.

 

Olivia looked up after hearing the labored exhale. “El, let’s go get some air,” she urged softly,

 

Elliot offered his partner a grateful smile. “I was starting to feel like my eyes would be crossed permanently if I kept staring at that small print and terrible handwriting,” he groaned, rolling his shoulders as he put his suit jacket on, feeling his crack and pop as he did so.

After a quick lunch of hot dogs from their favorite vendor, Elliot headed back into the squad and tried to piece together a viable theory based on Olivia being the common link between the three cases. Munch, Fin and Olivia were barely conscious and they were still no closer to having any theories or leads at all.

 

The next day, SAC Franklin informed the captain and the rest of the squad that it was likely that Olivia was being stalked. 

Elliot’s blood pressure skyrocketed at hearing Franklin utter the word “stalking”. No way in hell was this asshole going to get a sliver of a chance at hurting Olivia.

 

Of course, the captain allowed Olivia to stay on the case, telling Franklin that Olivia was one of his best detectives and could handle herself. Incidentally, Olivia declined the protective detail

 

Elliot wished that Olivia had followed the feds’ recommendation for a protective detail. But that was who she was: stubborn to a fault, believing that she didn’t need any help to protect herself or anyone. He would do anything to keep her safe; on some level, she had to know that. Elliot would never apologize or feel guilty for that.

 

Elliot should have expected the shitstorm that Olivia threw at him when she realized that she did in fact have a detail following her. Angrily, she questioned the agents, summarily being told that it was her partner that had requested the protective detail and not Agent Franklin.

 

Olivia made it to Elliot’s house, rang the bell with much more force than was necessary and waited for her partner to appear. She could care less about the late hour or his children tucked safely into bed, sleeping.

 

Elliot let Olivia rant until it dwindled into nothingness. He’s been her partner long enough and knows her well enough that it’s best for both of them to let her say what she needs to say. Waiting a few moments, Elliot spoke calmly to his partner, explaining why he went against her wishes to ensure her safety.

 

Olivia might as well have ripped his heart out of his chest when she said, “If you don’t trust your partner, Elliot, then it’s time to get a new one..”

 

Never before had Olivia been that cruel, cold and distant from him than she was in that moment.

 

She angrily stormed away from him, not even sparing him one glance over her shoulder. Elliot took a deep breath and tried not to chase after the only woman who had ever made him feel. 

 

Powerless to stop her and too afraid to try, Elliot watched Olivia leave, regret settling heavily on his heart. Somehow, it felt like more than just her leaving - as if she’s taken that part of herself back that she has openly shared with him. He can’t recall a time in their three year partnership that she’s ever shut him out so completely. 

 

When he saw her leaving Cragen’s office the next morning, Elliot felt a chill down to his bones at the disturbingly vacant look in his partner’s eyes. He has never seen Olivia like this, her entire demeanor had his heart thumping hard against his chest, leaving him to clutch his chest.

 

In the midst of everything swirling around - Olivia shutting him out, a stalker lurking around, and finally being forced to admit that he does care for Olivia - Elliot has a crisis of conscience. The feelings he has for Olivia have only gotten deeper and messier since the beginning of this case. And they were already intense and deep to begin with. Letting out a shaky breath, Elliot begins thinking even more dangerous thoughts.

 

He loves Kathy, but now Elliot can’t help but wonder if that love is tainted by duty and obligation. Elliot was still a kid himself when Kathy got pregnant. He married her because it was the proper thing to do, especially being Catholic. Elliot already had enough issues to contend with; adding excommunication from the Church wasn’t one he wanted to add to the list.

 

But after being Olivia’s partner and spending more time with her than he does his wife and kids, Elliot wonders if he actually knows what the word love actually means. Elliot was finally being forced to dive headfirst into the maelstrom of emotions that surrounded he and Olivia. Now was certainly not the time to examine the confusing state of his heart.

 

In the interest of keeping Olivia safe, Elliot shoved the messy scramble to the side to examine later. Olivia hadn’t questioned him yet about his erratic behavior, but she would. She relied on him to be the emotionally stable half of their partnership. He was sure that she had noticed his more harsh than usual demeanor and the possessiveness towards her that was just oozing off of him. 

 

Of course, there was no peace to be had tonight it would seem because Elliot ended up outside of Olivia’s apartment with another DB greeting him, this one in a box as if it was a gift for Olivia.

 

Immediately, he was enraged, vision tinged completely red. No one gets to terrify Olivia,  _ no one _ . Elliot wanted so badly to gather his partner in his arm, hold her close and press comforting kisses to her temple. Obviously, that wasn’t an option currently given her opinion of him at the moment, so instead,  Elliot focused his eyes on the scene, trying to pick up any clues that would identify her stalker. It broke his heart to see her withdrawing further into herself, ready to bolt at any minute. 

 

He should have known better than to drive all the way home, with his instincts screaming at him to stay there, Kathy would just have to understand that his partner’s safety was just as important as hers or their children’s. Elliot couldn’t control Kathy’s jealousy or passive aggressive ways when it came to Olivia. Quite frankly, he couldn’t remember the last time that they had laughed together; she occupied all of their free time together by being sullen or throwing out digs about his job and everything related to it. 

  
  


______________________________

 

With Olivia it seemed all rationality flew out the window. Elliot’s lack of rationality led him to throwing himself wholeheartedly into investigating their suspect, Eric Plummer. As he was searching Plummer’s house, Elliot was thoroughly disturbed (and if he was truly honest with himself, terrified) by what he, Munch and Fin discovered in the floor. 

 

That same act first, consider the consequences later mentality took him to Plummer’s boss, grilling him as harshly as Elliot would interrogate a repeat offender pedophile. Elliot’s heart twisted and twinged in his chest when the well-dressed and morally questionable boss informed him that Olivia had been there, threatening to charge him with obstruction of justice if he didn’t provide her with Plummer’s location. The man did what any self respecting man with a gun to his face would do: he told Olivia where she could find Plummer. 

 

_ Liv, what are you doing? Why didn’t you let me in? _ Elliot thought to himself, jaw clenched tightly in an effort to keep his temper on its shorter than ever leash. 

 

He honestly had no idea what he was expecting to see when he found Olivia, but it sure as hell wasn’t this: Plummer spread eagle on the floor, obviously dead with a gun just below his left elbow. What Elliot saw next stabbed at his heart and ate at his soul.

 

Olivia was shaking worse than a tree in a tornado, clutching her gun in trembling hands as if it was her anchor to the world around her. Her dark brown eyes were dilated, her breath came in shaky, violent pants. Elliot’s presence doesn’t even register with her.

 

The pain and fear Elliot felt at seeing Olivia like this dug into his bones was like nothing he had ever felt before. Never in a million years would he have predicted this version of his partner to materialize. Elliot knows Olivia better than he knows his own wife; he has seen every version of Olivia there is. It’s in this moment that Elliot realized that he has had blinders on and if he doesn’t do something soon, he will never have the chance to see every detail, every facet, every smile that Olivia has.

 

Slowly, Elliot put his right hand on the barrel of Olivia’s gun and placed his left on her wrists, and allowed his fingers to splay across Olivia’s hand, the tips just brushing her blunt nails. He tried to offer as much comfort and safety as he could in that gesture, knowing full well the risk he was taking. The longer his fingers remained on Olivia’s skin, Elliot felt the sparks bouncing between them, that boundary of personal space finally breached. He cannot think of a single word to describe what he feels or how he feels. 

 

Before he could develop another thought, Elliot felt Olivia shudder, and instinctively he knew that it had nothing to do with the freefall of adrenaline as she came crashing down from her high or abruptly realizing that she shot a man.No, those shudders were her reacting to Elliot’s firm, steady grip. 

 

Elliot had wondered for years how Olivia might react to his casual touch, just an innocent brush of skin meeting skin. In all of his fantasies, daydreams and elaborate plans, not once did he consider that it would occur at a crime scene with a dead perp on the floor and a hysterical victim collapsed on the other side of the room, just feet from the growing colder by the second corpse.

 

Elliot felt that sour taste flood his mouth again as the officer informed him and the other officers on the scene that the gun wasn’t loaded. All he could think about was getting to Olivia, taking her by the hand and getting her away from the bloody aftermath. 

 

“Let’s go,” Elliot suggested.

 

“I have to give my statement.” Olivia said quickly.

 

“I’ll take you,” Elliot offered quietly, as he placed his hand on Olivia’s arm.

 

Olivia jerked away from him harshly, daggers in her eyes and steel in her voice. “You leave me alone!”

 

Again, Elliot was powerless to stop her; those words ringing in his ears, each one a white hot dagger to his heart.

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Elliot had a pretty good idea of what Olivia was doing right about now; any time she allows anyone to gets too close or she feels too exposed, she shuts herself off, locking the world out from behind her solid apartment door as she holds a tumbler of dark liquor (usually whiskey or bourbon, but she has been known to dip into Scotch) and anesthetizes herself into a coma of utter numbness.

 

Because it’s Olivia, Elliot can’t let it go. He owes it to her, to himself and to their relationship to try and pull her out before she gets too far into her head and the bottle. 

 

Elliot found himself driving to her apartment, relying on his reflexes to maneuver the sloppy rain that has deigned to pour from the midnight sky. He ignored the ominousness of the precipitation, that threatened to drown him, given half a chance.

 

His suspicions were confirmed as soon as he reached the door - Olivia steadfastly refused to answer the door or pick up the phone. Elliot’s heart thumped painfully in his chest while the knot in his stomach only grew bigger.

Elliot forced himself to walk down the hall, return to his car, away from where his heart sits all alone in the dark, desolate and drowning in her despair,  and to where duty awaits him in a faded flannel nightgown, tossing and turning in their shabby, lumpy mattress because she can’t sleep until Elliot is home safe.

 

All the while, Elliot wondered if it would be worth the risk of crashing and burning to try and tame Olivia’s heart or if he should stay with Kathy, allowing the walls to inevitably close in on him until he suffocates.

 

Elliot knows which option he would choose if given the opportunity; there is no thought process required. But, it’s up to Olivia to allow him to cast out the shadows, giving her light when there is none to be found. It’s up to Olivia to trust him enough to allow him to catch her if she falls. Elliot sighed heavily. 

 

This thing, whatever it is that they have between them, it’s always been up to Olivia and because she blindly ignored it for all these years, it’s given Elliot a thick shield of deniability that he is trying even now to cling to. 

 

With a heavy heart, Elliot turned off the car, yanked the keys out of the ignition, and prepared himself to face Kathy and her predictable, incessant stream of questions.

 

Elliot gritted his teeth against Kathy’s onslaught, praying that his monosyllabic answers were enough to satisfy her curiosity. While she puttered around the kitchen putting together a sandwich and a fresh cup of coffee, Elliot lifted his eyes to the ceiling and fought not to scream. 

 

Gratefully, Kathy put his ham and Swiss sandwich in front of him silently and turned back to the coffee pot, the only noise in the room was her fingers tapping an aimless rhythm against the counter. Elliot forced down several bites of the sandwich - the woman still hadn’t learned after 16 years that he hated ham and Swiss, especially dry. Just as he was about to choke more of the offensive sandwich down, Kathy handed him a cup of fresh, steaming coffee. He pushed the sandwich aside entirely, greedily drinking the hot liquid.

 

Elliot shoved back his chair and stood up from the table, empty cup and plate in hand. He dumped the disgusting excuse for a meal in the trash, deliberately ignoring Kathy’s exasperated sigh and set his cup and plate in the sink.

 

He just wanted to collapse into bed. Today had taken far too much from him, and frankly, Elliot doesn’t have it in him to reassure and placate Kathy. Kathy appeared in the doorway, mouth opened as if ready to speak. Elliot shook his head, clearly telling his wife that he was in no mood to talk. He saw the look of frustration, tamped down anger and irritation cross her face before she schooled the expression into one that of concern. 

 

Elliot flopped on his side, facing away from Kathy and bites his cheek hard to prevent himself from spewing hateful words at his wife, the mother of his children.

 

For the first time in their 16 years of marriage, Elliot doesn’t kiss Kathy goodnight or tell her that he loves her. He knows now that to say those words would be a lie; lying to Kathy would be a greater sin than the love that he carries in his heart for Olivia.

 

Elliot couldn’t bring himself to care about Kathy’s exaggerated sighs when the only thing on his mind was Olivia. Truthfully, Elliot doesn’t remember the last time he  _ did _ care about Kathy’s thoughts, emotions or well being. 

 

Instead of responding to Kathy’s advances, Elliot scooted as close to the edge of the bed as possible and drifted off to sleep, Olivia’s name on his lips and hope in his heart.

 


End file.
